athenaltena: (Nataku)
So I realized something a little while ago. Mainly that, for the first time since I got tossed headlong into adolescence by early puberty I'm actually pretty happy with my body. It's not 100% (though find me someone in our society who is 100% happy with theirs given all the negative messages we're always receiving and I'll sell you a bridge) but for me it's higher than it's been for a long time.

I'm also more comfortable being a bit more feminine. I still think my gender identity is more towards the androgynous, but I wear skirts and dresses more often these days and (gasp!) actually put on some makeup, though it's just foundation and powder that make me look a little less tired all the time and is part of taking better care of myself in general. I think it's not so much that I wasn't feminine as that what I was told was the "correct" way to do it by society at large didn't gel with me, so I had to find my own version, which is less about lace and ruffles and more about subdued and saturated colors like blues and purples. Not to mention my newfound love of knee-high boots and leggings, since I don't particularly like having my legs uncovered, since I seem to always scratch the hell out of them and it's just more comfortable for me to have something over them.

I saw my therapist today and mentioned that to him, as well as the fact that I know some of this comes from when I first started developing and that made me a target, for instance the Bully Girls making the (stupid) assumption that any girl with boobs is a slut, which of course has its own issues since it's slut-shaming. It's a totally bullshit idea, but it's so ingrained in our culture that of course they did it. So for a long time I associated my own body with shame and negative things.

I've also been trying to train myself out of using the same sort of language that got thrown at me about other people and their bodies and dress styles, even if it's only internally. I'm definitely getting better at upper-cutting the negative voice in my head that says stuff like that and telling it to shut up (and yes that is how I picture it). One great thing about the queer community is that you can find a lot of body-positive people in it, and while there are issues in the community there's at least awareness of these issues.

*brr*

May. 3rd, 2011 03:51 pm
athenaltena: (Mai-HiME)
Apparently my subconscious picked up on my legs being shot from over the weekend, since last night I had a dream where my legs didn’t work because of an accident and I was in a wheelchair. I was also in high school again for some reason, and that always makes for fun dreams. *eyeroll*

In the dream I was in the gym and trying to sign up for exercises that would give me more upper body strength, but the kids around me were being little shits and sneering at me. Sadly, this would not have been unrealistic at my high school in real life. One of the adult coaches had the face of my current English professor (but was clearly not the same person since the one in the dream was an asshole while the real guy is very nice) and was taunting me saying “Oh come on you can stand, it can’t be that bad” and when I tried to get up I couldn’t, and it was painful and humiliating.

When I finally woke up from that one I was still half-asleep and honestly afraid that if I tried to get up my legs wouldn’t work, but eventually I did. Still, that’s one of those dreams that continues to bother you even after you’re awake.
athenaltena: (KuroFay)
Because it can increase depression among kids who are already socially excluded. Can I get a "duh"? To be clear, it doesn't cause it, but the evidence here is that it certainly doesn't help. Not to mention enabling the GIFT* to work.

Yet another reason I'm glad it didn't really take off until after I was in college.

And also why for the most part I don't give two shits about it. Nice to see some validation.

*See Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory, per Penny Arcade

Faaaack

Mar. 23rd, 2011 08:33 pm
athenaltena: (Sweden)
My music player is busted, but luckily it's still under warranty with Staples. I noticed today that the left audio channel kept flaking out, ironically what happened to the last one, and then the touch screen stopped responding. So I'll go back tomorrow and exchange it, and I'm glad I paid 10 extra bucks to get the warranty.

Today was also the first meeting with the new therapist, and it was mostly giving the Cliff Notes version of my life story. I get good vibes off this guy, so I'm going back next week. He did say something interesting when I mentioned that when I was middle school the people at the school kept trying to diagnose me with Asperger's, even though they later realized that wasn't what was going on. His comment was that after only a few minutes he could tell that I'm definitely high functioning, but it's not to the point of Asperger's. If that were the case I couldn't read social cues and really subtle expressions, my problem is actually that I read them too strong, especially the negative ones, so as a result I used to block them out and not look at people directly, which made a false positive.

Also, have a radio show.
athenaltena: (chie)
Today at work we got our annual mailing from CHAPA with their information on our projects, so my job was to go and update our database with that info and then add the letters themselves to our database. I lost count after a while but I did approximately 100 of them, and my wrist was so sore by the end that it sounded like a cement mixer. But now it's done and I just have to make up the scan sheets and get them into the database for tomorrow.

I did get to take a break for an hour for an appointment with the counselor I've been seeing at the school, and at one point the joint in my wrist popped so loud that he could hear it. It didn't hurt, but the expression on his face was pretty funny. I told him what I've been thinking about trying to get on an antidepressant and he agrees with my reasoning. He sounded surprised when I brought it up, and I can understand why since I haven't been acting like I am depressed, but I am feeling the effects of it and I still want to do something about it if I can, if only because I owe it to myself.

He also agreed that it sounds like while the rational part of my mind is for the most part fine and that the sort of stuff we've been doing does work it sounds like there's a chemical imbalance based on the symptoms I've been having and the fact that they occur without any obvious reason, so he gave me some resources to start looking for someone who I can consult with about a prescription. He also brought up something I'd thought about, mainly that I might just get told that it's not worth putting me onto something, but he agreed that it's at least worth checking out. He also commented that I'm looking pretty good (I think I've lost some weight recently) and that I should definitely keep taking care of myself by doing stuff like going to the gym since it's been fighting off the worst of it.

Now I'm going to a talk by Denis Lehane (the guy who wrote Mystic River and Shutter Island) about his books. Hopefully I can get in because the tickets are first-come first-serve, and I'm bringing my copy of one of his books to see if I can get an autograph.
athenaltena: (Ed/Roy)
This is an interesting little test: Spot the fake smile.

I got 16/20, and though I know it's a cliche the trick really does seem to be the eyes. If the eyes don't move significantly it's a good bet that it's a fake smile. Interestingly the 4 I got wrong were all men, so I wonder if I'm better at telling with other women.

It does back up my assertion that I'm good at reading people, though.
athenaltena: (Anthy)
A little while ago I had a dream about Revolutionary Girl Utena, and a short time later I was thinking while doing the dishes (as I often do) about one of the main relationships in the series, and then applying what I learned in my Women and Crime class last semester I realized that it's a remarkably or perhaps even disturbingly accurate portrayal of what an abusive relationship between a victim and batterer is like.

Bigass spoilers for the series under cut )

Basically, I'm convinced Kunihiko Ikuhara must have studied this sort of thing at some point. It just lines up too well.

I actually have that same professor next semester, so I might just mention the show to see what he'd think of it. I think he'd come to the same conclusion.
athenaltena: (-_-)
So I was having a dream where all the things I have to deal with in the next month or so were suddenly solved in one fell swoop...

... And then I woke up.

Noooooo!!!

Damn you, subconscious, for being such a freaking tease. And I can't even remember what I did in the dream to solve everything! Gah!

(There is, however, a possible light at the end of the tunnel in all this, but I need to take care of some more immediate crap before I can pursue it, so details later)
athenaltena: (Bored)
PSYCHOANALYSE YOURSELF!
Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means. (No cheating!)

1) You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?
My Parents

2) You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
A wolf

3) What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I bend down to look it in the eye, talk to it

4) You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe it.
A large farmhouse in the middle of the woods, lots of natural wood used in it

5) Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No

6) You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on and around it?
Books, paintings and long benches around the table

7 You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
A metal goblet

8) What do you do with the cup?
Pick it up and examine it

9) You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water is it?
A small pond, clear water

10) How will you cross the water?
Go around it

Now for the analysis )

Yup

Feb. 20th, 2010 09:23 pm
athenaltena: (Sweden thoughtful)
I usually rank Yahoo!'s relationship article harmless at best and heteronormative bullshit at worst, but they actually have a fairly concise one up now that manages to hit the nail on the head:

7 Types of Breakups Ranked by Recovery Time

Guess what #1 (as in takes the most time to get over) is?

1. The Blind Side

My friend recently blind sided his ex. After she cried for an hour, he decided he had put in enough time and he left. This is traumatic because it comes out of nowhere. The blind sider may have been thinking about it for months, and they conceal their intentions, then drop the bomb while everything seems to be going well. In fact, the couple may have spent time together the night before, but the blind sider did so out of obligation.

Blind Sides chip away at your ability to trust. If someone can break up with you when things seem to be going so well, you'll have a tough time avoiding paranoia and trusting your new partners.


I emailed this article to Krys with the subject line "relevant to our interests."

Bull. Shit.

Feb. 3rd, 2010 10:20 am
athenaltena: (*twitch*)
People may have heard about the 15 year old girl in South Hadley who killed herself after she was mercilessly harassed in school and online, so there's been increased focus on bullying in the media. I was encouraged since I went through this crap at a time when it really wasn't taken seriously.

So now they have this "study" that pretty much blames the kids who get bullied for being "socially awkward" and "not having the social skills necessary" to interact with peers.

How's this for a radical idea? How about you focus on the kids who do the bullying and stop blaming the victims, or do we think it's acceptable to torment people who don't act like you do now? I can say from firsthand experience that the kids who do this to other kids are just mean little shits who enjoy making other people cry, why not figure out what the hell is wrong with them instead of going after already vulnerable kids?

And they wonder why there are these kids like this girl in South Hadley who think it's better to kill themselves if the response they get to asking for help is "well there's just something wrong with you." Bull fucking shit.
athenaltena: (Bored)
Stolen from [livejournal.com profile] starseeking, and I'd say it's pretty accurate:

Colorgenics Quiz:

At this time in your life you feel like 'giving up'. For every time you have tried to build up your hopes and dreams something has come along to burst the balloon. You may feel that, at this particular moment in your life, there seems to be no chance of fulfilling these dreams but you are so wrong. You are the sort of person that can influence any situation, that is - If you don't give up. So consciously make the effort... You have that inherent power to succeed.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

You refuse to relax or to give in and you are endeavouring to keep exhaustion and depression at bay by keeping active. You are experiencing a relationship or a situation which is not satisfactory but you feel powerless to change it. You have that 'need to be needed' but you do little to achieve the sense of belonging that you need. You try to disguise your feelings of insecurity and so you continue to resist this state of affairs - and as a consequence you are experiencing tension and stress. Your depression makes you irritable and impatient. You have that urge to get away from the situation, either actually or mentally. You are finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate.

Circumstances are such that you have been exposed to considerable stress and tension, perhaps due to unfulfilled emotional needs. You would like nothing better than to escape from it all by retiring to some 'fantasy land' where you are permitted to RELAX and get back your strength.
athenaltena: (Diva'ratrika)
I did have an entry planned out for later today about some stuff I'd realized, but at the moment things are crap. I mentioned earlier that 2 out of 3 roomies are causing stress, and that plus some other stuff means that this is turning out to be one of those days where I feel like something is going to snap. I feel like I'm reaching the edge of my tolerance again, and generally speaking I feel isolated, but at the same time I'm surrounded by people and can't find any place to be alone. I know, weird dichotomy, but I don't make much sense when I'm like this.

One of the main things that's bugging me that I know shouldn't is the fact that my roommates are always either sick and/or sleeping in our room during the day. I know that I have no right to tell people that they can't sleep considering how much I hate it when they get in the way of me sleeping, but it's a bit excessive and it interferes with what I want to do, and it makes me feel like an exile from my own room.

I'm also stressed out about the RA selection stuff, since I should have gotten word about the group interviews beginning on the 30th, but I've heard nothing. It's been stressing me out, and now I just want an answer as to whether I'm still in the running or not so I can move on to other stuff. When I was in Diversity Services earlier I talked to Jessica, another RA, and she told me to go up the res-life people and ask them about it. I did that and got bounced back to 150, and supposedly Amanda, the director, will email me to tell me about it, but that probably won't happen until tomorrow at the soonest.

Damn it, I just want to know, and not knowing is the worst. If I know I didn't make it I can start to work on the SU101 TA position (which is basically helping to teach freshman seminar and includes a $1000 stipend for the fall plus a $400 credit to your account) knowing that there won't be a conflict. Not to mention still having no job and waiting on a staffing group on Beacon Hill to get back to me about something, so just hearing anyone say the word "job" or talk about money is making me want to punch something.

But in a light at the end of the tunnel since starting to write this (in the common room again) Roomie E has come out and is apparently feeling better, and two other people including Jenny have come out here. I feel like some of the tension between me and E has relaxed, and I may bring up this stuff when we aren't all sick and I'm not in this mental state. I also really need to get off my ass and give Dr. Korn a call. Now I'm just exhausted, cranky and hungry, though at least the last one is easily remedied.
athenaltena: (Hokuto pink)
One thing we're starting to see here at Suffolk is the separation of the people for whom this was the right school and the people for whom it wasn't. I went with Jamie, a friend of mine, to Cambridge on Tuesday (after being woken up by that parade) and we ended up talking about that over dinner. Both of us are the type of person who doesn't need a particularly strong campus network in order to function, so this type of university, which doesn't have a proper "campus" and exists within the city itself, works for us.

There also isn't a very strong sports culture here, and though we do have sports teams (some of which are quite good, like the ladies' tennis team) it's not really taken that seriously, or at least not to the extent that some other colleges take them. Many of those people are going to be transferring are going to colleges like UMASS Amherst and ones that have much more of a "campus" and a culture that's basically all students, which like Syracuse tend to be more cut off from the city or town they're in, while here we're literally right in the middle of the city, meaning that once you step outside you're right next to the State House.

I've noticed that many if not most of the people who are transferring out have a bit more of a "herd" mentality. I'm not trying to insult them, it's just a behavior pattern. I'm most certainly not one of those people (only child, INTJ, etc.) so I've never gotten why some girls especially act like they can't even go to the bathroom if they don't have someone else with them. That's a fine way of living, since to some people that sense of community is very important, but it's not mine.

I just think that sociologically it's a very interesting phenomena, and if I had to tell someone who was thinking about applying here I'd make sure to tell them that. I definitely think I made the right choice, and even though I'll be sad to see some of them go I hope the people who are transferring do manage to find the right place for them.
athenaltena: (Juri)
This year at Suffolk is probably going to be defined by two things: First, having very little money and getting a crash course in budgeting and personal finance, and second, sticking my neck out and being more daring.

The second one is mostly coming about consciously, and the current project is trying to be less closeted. I know people are thinking, "You're CLOSETED? What're you talking about?! You say it on your LJ profile and The Facebook!*" but my online persona and offline are different in that respect. The online version what I'd like to be, but the fact is that in real life I'm not out to my dad's family, my roommates or a good percent of the college community (though truth be told if most of those haven't at least suspected it by now then they seriously need glasses and/or a clue). It was actually a bit of a *headwall* moment when I was thinking earlier and came to the conclusion that yes, at college I am for all intents and purposes closeted, and it is a big frickin problem.

Why this is so and what I'm going to do about it )

So that's more or less my goal this year. *deep breath* I can do it.

* My philosophy professor, who is awesome, actually teaches a course on Facebook, refers to it as "The Facebook" and now I'm copying her because I thought it was hilarious.
athenaltena: (lazy)
And just to update on the sticker thing, it seems to have blown over with my roommates, though some son of a bitch on my floor keeps moving my paper name tag on the door over the sticker. I've had to uncover that sticker three times, and if it happens again I'm going to be genuinely pissed off and crack some skulls.

Also for some reason I'm not getting LJ comments in my inbox. I switched which email account they get sent to in order to see if that's the reason, but of course because I haven't been posting I don't have a way to test it. I've reset everything I can think of to try and fix it, but so far nothing's worked. It's not helping my mood. And now just trying to post this one big entry I've had to split it because the connection reset when trying to post the big thing. This happened before when I was editing something else, and it's probably related to the fact that I'm connected through a cable since for some reason my computer can't get onto Suffolk's wireless network (it will get onto any other one, so I have no idea why it's happening and the tech guys are equally clueless).

Ironically I got a letter from Dr. Korn (of the University Counseling Center) asking if I want to make another appointment. On Monday I'll definitely be calling him back to say "yes".

So I don't sound completely like a negative Nelly I do have something about Halloween to post, I just wanted to get this thought dump over with.
athenaltena: (Hokuto pink)
Besides just getting smacked in the arm by a closing elevator door and spilled by salad (I also startled the entire cafeteria by yelling "WHAT THE FUCK?!" immediately after) the rest of today turned out to not be so bad. I did end up going to that consignment shop and found a nice shirt that was only $10, since it was originally $24 but was discounted by half due to the tag color and I also had a 20% off coupon.

I then looked around Downtown Crossing for a while, and while I was in Macy's I was abducted by people giving free mini-makeovers. It did manage to make me look slightly less sleep deprived, so I guess it did the job.

I think I'll do an abbreviated session in the gym tonight and watch the Sox. I also just had a conversation with roommate B about the guitar decals she has on her wall, since if I'm not mistake one is an Epiphone and the other's a Strat, both of which my dad own back home. She also just put on the Red Hot Chili Peppers and was playing Hendrix earlier, so it's obvious we have some common musical interests.

So yeah, other than the fact that my arm hurts from the elevator door I'm overall feeling better. And tomorrow after class I have that retreat, which should be fun. So at least I salvaged half the day after the bad start.
athenaltena: (CC)
Took the day off from canvassing on account of feeling physically sick (likely because of the cough that's going around the dorm) and mentally depressed as fuck as a result of getting smashed while canvassing for three days in a row. I was grappling with trying to decide whether or not I should all morning, but I eventually went up to the office on my way back from class and told them what I was going to do. One of the nice staff members (whose name has unfortunately escaped me) told me that it's perfectly fine. She also gave me a hug, which was nice. So the next three days are officially Ro Gets Her Shit Together days.

After the Rainbow meeting today I've resolved to do something fun. Not quite sure what that'll involve at this point besides possibly dragging Chris (Rainbow VP) or Robert (big huggy gay guy) somewhere. I'm thinking of going to a consignment shop that's just about the corner, since I have a coupon book that the college gave us that has something for %20 off there. Or maybe I'll just go with the flow and see what happens.

I've also observed that if I end up changing my clothes more than two times before I head out in a single day it probably means that I'm mentally not in a good place. Just a pattern I've noticed, since it certainly held true today.

I may also "Health Service my ass" (as said by roommate E earlier today) to get the physical part of this checked out. I have a feeling it's just exhaustion, but it's probably better to check. I luckily don't have the unpleasant dorm cough yet, maybe because I've been chugging grapefruit juice for several days. That vitamin C probably helped, but with luck I won't get any sicker and be in a better after a few days of taking it easy.

Now, off to the Rainbow meeting in a few minutes and who knows what else after that.
athenaltena: (content)
Well, my last post appears to have been prophetic in a few ways.

I did go to the social thing they had at the Ritz (insert pun about the event being a bit Ritzy *rimshot*) but (literally) tired of that about an hour and a half in. It was basically the same as middle and high school dances, and I never really liked those anyway and stopped going to those after 8th grade. I did talk to a few people, and a boy and a girl I sat with marveled with me at how some people seem to have become best friends overnight. I also felt rather out of place in there when I realized that every girl there was in a dress (though in a few cases it was more like a very long shirt) and there I am in my jeans, white shirt and vest. I don't even own a dress like that, much less did I bring one with me. I do not do the mini skirt thing at all.

I then gave up after I started getting so tired that I was knocking stuff over (including dropping a piece of cake, though I got another one) and when I got back here and several of the people on my floor were in our common area just chatting, so I sat down to listen/chat too. That was good, and I found out more about those guys than in the little forced floor meeting we did, which really isn't that personal. A guy here who's a sophomore was talking about the various stuff here, and a few minutes ago he showed us around this floor, showing us a suite we didn't even know existed that was tucked behind a hallway. I feel like I know the people who were out there chatting with us a little better now, so I don't think I'll be quite as much of a hermit.

So all and all I'd say that's an improvement, and I certainly feel that a little informal situation like that chat in the common area is more my type of thing. I can do this. :)
athenaltena: (weird)
I don't want to be the person at college who never comes out of their room, but it might just be in my nature. Later on I'm going to talk to my RA (who seems really nice) and basically say "Help! I suck at this social stuff! Only child! From a small town! Gay! Too mature! Where can I find people like me?"

Really, it's astounding to me how (the girls especially) just form these packs spontaneously. I need some time to get to know people, and unfortunately the person I connected most with during orientation is in Spain for a year. *headdesk* I did meet a nice girl at the bookstore, and I think she picked up the deer-in-headlights look of mine and invited me to come with the reception thing at the Ritz tonight. Nice kid. :)

Well, I have a rough idea, which I have a feeling the RA will help me with:

Read more... )

I think in all I just take more time at this than most people, and once classes and clubs start it'll be easier, though I want to scream "WHY CAN YOU PEOPLE MAKE FRIENDS SO QUICKLY?!" from time to time. But I guess it's just a matter of finding like-minded people.

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