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Feb. 3rd, 2006
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Feb. 3rd, 2006 10:42 pmWe had a small family event today that was interesting, and though I felt good at the time I'm now a little down after getting back. Not quite sure why besides just plain being tired, but something kinda bothered me I can't put my finger on yet.
I was talking about college plans, how I'm planning on Northeastern in Boston at the moment and then maybe John J. in Brooklyn. Both are very good criminology schools, and my cousin Rory told me that working for the Federal Government has a lot of advantages. He told me the benefits, how you basically have to sell information to terrorists to lose your job, and the coverage you get. My question, however, kept being "What's the catch?" to which I got "There is no catch".
I'm not entirely convinced. I've always been a bit wary of jobs that might involve going into the Feds, and while I don't know the reason my gut hasn't really steered me wrong yet. Something to think about at some point.
I know something else is on my mind, probably due to a conversation with my dad on the way back. I've gotten a lot of criticism from kids in my area for wanting to do law enforcement, most commonly within the range of telling me that I shouldn't work for them since I'd be working for "The Pigs" and such. Besides being offended by the whole "Pigs" bit, since every cop I've met so far have been some of the best people I know, the fact is that Amherst kids don't know shit about that and are probably just copying their parents. It's an outdated idea and I don't give a damn what they think.
Yeah. I think I know why I'm upset. Lately I've been reminded a lot more of how I'm different from a lot of people my age, but it's not about being left out this time. It's sadness that everyone else can't see some things, like the consequences of their actions. It's hard to say that without sounding superior, which isn't my intent at all, but as my dad said "The fact is some people are reliable and some aren't, it's just a fact of life. You have to ask sometimes, 'Could I be trapped in a foxhole with this person?' And usually the answer is no. If there was an accident right in front of us 99% of the people out there wouldn't know what to do and would freeze under the pressure. That's what it comes down to, whether people can handle themselves in that sort of situation or not."
I also started about what I believe is one of my motivations for wanting to go into law enforcement. I've seen some people fuck up their lives for good using drugs and other such things, and it's sad. Usually intellegent, funny and wonderful people get so screwed up from it and have their problems (which everyone has) escalated to such a point it's painful to see them and be around them. I've heard kids in Amherst complain about getting busted for marijuana and saying that police should spend their money elsewhere, but I don't think they can see what it does to them. It hurts to see people you care about get caught in a vicious cycle and know they can't see it. It hurts to see them get a criminal record at 15. It hurts too see doors shut in front of them because of a dumb mistake that shouldn't have been made. And it hurts to see people who try to help them stay out of that trouble get labeled as "Pigs" and ignored. It makes me angry and sad to see that happen again and again.
Would I be able to help that? Realistically not, but it's a job I could do and do well given the chance. But as usual, it seems like no one listens to a word I say when it comes to that. And what the hell good does that do? One reason I'm gonna try to get out of Amherst is too see if in other places, places that are harder, where people have to work for what they have and aren't born into it, are different. Yeah, it's not possible. But I'll go insane if I spend my entire life here.
One other thing I brought up was how I'm seen as "spoiled" by some kids. Now, neither of my parents or anyone who knew me growing up would probably say that. I fucking earned where I am right now by not getting into trouble and knowing how to control myself. As they say "Trust is hard to gain and easy to break" and I've managed to gain it and not lose it so far. I have what I do because I earned it. As one of my favorite song quotes says, "You've got lose to know how to win".
In that dream I had with the tree, as I was staring up at it I had the thought that the higher up in the tree you get the less air you have, and the harder the drop it is. Those born at the top don't know what it's like below not because they're bad people, but because it's simply never happened. But I personally have more respect for the people who can climb the tree but keep the roots in sight at all times.
As we sing in our church (and I can't believe I'm actually quoting this):
Spirit of Life, come unto me.
Sing in my heart all the stirrings of compassion.
Blow in the wind, rise in the sea, move in the hand,
giving life the shape of justice.
Roots hold me close, wings set me free,
Spirit of Life, come to me, come to me.
I was talking about college plans, how I'm planning on Northeastern in Boston at the moment and then maybe John J. in Brooklyn. Both are very good criminology schools, and my cousin Rory told me that working for the Federal Government has a lot of advantages. He told me the benefits, how you basically have to sell information to terrorists to lose your job, and the coverage you get. My question, however, kept being "What's the catch?" to which I got "There is no catch".
I'm not entirely convinced. I've always been a bit wary of jobs that might involve going into the Feds, and while I don't know the reason my gut hasn't really steered me wrong yet. Something to think about at some point.
I know something else is on my mind, probably due to a conversation with my dad on the way back. I've gotten a lot of criticism from kids in my area for wanting to do law enforcement, most commonly within the range of telling me that I shouldn't work for them since I'd be working for "The Pigs" and such. Besides being offended by the whole "Pigs" bit, since every cop I've met so far have been some of the best people I know, the fact is that Amherst kids don't know shit about that and are probably just copying their parents. It's an outdated idea and I don't give a damn what they think.
Yeah. I think I know why I'm upset. Lately I've been reminded a lot more of how I'm different from a lot of people my age, but it's not about being left out this time. It's sadness that everyone else can't see some things, like the consequences of their actions. It's hard to say that without sounding superior, which isn't my intent at all, but as my dad said "The fact is some people are reliable and some aren't, it's just a fact of life. You have to ask sometimes, 'Could I be trapped in a foxhole with this person?' And usually the answer is no. If there was an accident right in front of us 99% of the people out there wouldn't know what to do and would freeze under the pressure. That's what it comes down to, whether people can handle themselves in that sort of situation or not."
I also started about what I believe is one of my motivations for wanting to go into law enforcement. I've seen some people fuck up their lives for good using drugs and other such things, and it's sad. Usually intellegent, funny and wonderful people get so screwed up from it and have their problems (which everyone has) escalated to such a point it's painful to see them and be around them. I've heard kids in Amherst complain about getting busted for marijuana and saying that police should spend their money elsewhere, but I don't think they can see what it does to them. It hurts to see people you care about get caught in a vicious cycle and know they can't see it. It hurts to see them get a criminal record at 15. It hurts too see doors shut in front of them because of a dumb mistake that shouldn't have been made. And it hurts to see people who try to help them stay out of that trouble get labeled as "Pigs" and ignored. It makes me angry and sad to see that happen again and again.
Would I be able to help that? Realistically not, but it's a job I could do and do well given the chance. But as usual, it seems like no one listens to a word I say when it comes to that. And what the hell good does that do? One reason I'm gonna try to get out of Amherst is too see if in other places, places that are harder, where people have to work for what they have and aren't born into it, are different. Yeah, it's not possible. But I'll go insane if I spend my entire life here.
One other thing I brought up was how I'm seen as "spoiled" by some kids. Now, neither of my parents or anyone who knew me growing up would probably say that. I fucking earned where I am right now by not getting into trouble and knowing how to control myself. As they say "Trust is hard to gain and easy to break" and I've managed to gain it and not lose it so far. I have what I do because I earned it. As one of my favorite song quotes says, "You've got lose to know how to win".
In that dream I had with the tree, as I was staring up at it I had the thought that the higher up in the tree you get the less air you have, and the harder the drop it is. Those born at the top don't know what it's like below not because they're bad people, but because it's simply never happened. But I personally have more respect for the people who can climb the tree but keep the roots in sight at all times.
As we sing in our church (and I can't believe I'm actually quoting this):
Sing in my heart all the stirrings of compassion.
Blow in the wind, rise in the sea, move in the hand,
giving life the shape of justice.
Roots hold me close, wings set me free,
Spirit of Life, come to me, come to me.
A poem (IMO) to live by
Feb. 3rd, 2006 10:46 pmand I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world and am free.
"The Peace of Wild Things" by Wendell Berry