(no subject)
Jun. 22nd, 2011 10:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
athenaltenaSo I realized something a little while ago. Mainly that, for the first time since I got tossed headlong into adolescence by early puberty I'm actually pretty happy with my body. It's not 100% (though find me someone in our society who is 100% happy with theirs given all the negative messages we're always receiving and I'll sell you a bridge) but for me it's higher than it's been for a long time.
I'm also more comfortable being a bit more feminine. I still think my gender identity is more towards the androgynous, but I wear skirts and dresses more often these days and (gasp!) actually put on some makeup, though it's just foundation and powder that make me look a little less tired all the time and is part of taking better care of myself in general. I think it's not so much that I wasn't feminine as that what I was told was the "correct" way to do it by society at large didn't gel with me, so I had to find my own version, which is less about lace and ruffles and more about subdued and saturated colors like blues and purples. Not to mention my newfound love of knee-high boots and leggings, since I don't particularly like having my legs uncovered, since I seem to always scratch the hell out of them and it's just more comfortable for me to have something over them.
I saw my therapist today and mentioned that to him, as well as the fact that I know some of this comes from when I first started developing and that made me a target, for instance the Bully Girls making the (stupid) assumption that any girl with boobs is a slut, which of course has its own issues since it's slut-shaming. It's a totally bullshit idea, but it's so ingrained in our culture that of course they did it. So for a long time I associated my own body with shame and negative things.
I've also been trying to train myself out of using the same sort of language that got thrown at me about other people and their bodies and dress styles, even if it's only internally. I'm definitely getting better at upper-cutting the negative voice in my head that says stuff like that and telling it to shut up (and yes that is how I picture it). One great thing about the queer community is that you can find a lot of body-positive people in it, and while there are issues in the community there's at least awareness of these issues.
I'm also more comfortable being a bit more feminine. I still think my gender identity is more towards the androgynous, but I wear skirts and dresses more often these days and (gasp!) actually put on some makeup, though it's just foundation and powder that make me look a little less tired all the time and is part of taking better care of myself in general. I think it's not so much that I wasn't feminine as that what I was told was the "correct" way to do it by society at large didn't gel with me, so I had to find my own version, which is less about lace and ruffles and more about subdued and saturated colors like blues and purples. Not to mention my newfound love of knee-high boots and leggings, since I don't particularly like having my legs uncovered, since I seem to always scratch the hell out of them and it's just more comfortable for me to have something over them.
I saw my therapist today and mentioned that to him, as well as the fact that I know some of this comes from when I first started developing and that made me a target, for instance the Bully Girls making the (stupid) assumption that any girl with boobs is a slut, which of course has its own issues since it's slut-shaming. It's a totally bullshit idea, but it's so ingrained in our culture that of course they did it. So for a long time I associated my own body with shame and negative things.
I've also been trying to train myself out of using the same sort of language that got thrown at me about other people and their bodies and dress styles, even if it's only internally. I'm definitely getting better at upper-cutting the negative voice in my head that says stuff like that and telling it to shut up (and yes that is how I picture it). One great thing about the queer community is that you can find a lot of body-positive people in it, and while there are issues in the community there's at least awareness of these issues.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-06-23 02:42 am (UTC)Why do you think I wear it? (And I don't even do powder, although I do pale eyeshadow for the same reason, so I don't look tired when I'm not!) And I don't think you've often seen me in lace and ruffles.
Glad to read the rest of this!
no subject
Date: 2011-06-23 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-23 02:54 am (UTC)Jesse is at my feet demanding something. He's been fed, so not sure what it is . . . (more food, likely, but not going to happen!).
no subject
Date: 2011-06-23 06:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-23 06:08 am (UTC)I've started wearing make up every week day for the same reason, despite saying for years that I would never bother. It does seem to make me look a bit more "perked up" in the mornings, even though by the end of the day it can look pretty sweaty and crap.